On pies and ants
For years during our childhood, my mom took my sister and me to eat pie in a small place in Penedo-RJ. The owner was called Débora. Débora's delicious pies. There I discovered the German pie - which is actually Brazilian. It was our favorite, with its thin layers of shortbread, white cream and a chocolate ganache topping. There was never a pie like that one, because even though I've eaten many delicious pies throughout my life, none had that same taste of discovery. My madeleine.
It was also there, sitting at the counter of that café, that I decided, when I was no more than 7 years old, that the best people are those who go out of their way so as not to step on ants. This happened because, one day, an old man, recently widowed, walked in mourning the loss of his wife, whom he loved so much. He said: “She was the best person I've ever known, she would never step on ants, she would change sides so that they would follow their path.” He said so many other things, but that was the one that struck me. Perhaps because I loved the movie A Bug's Life (1998). Perhaps because I was always amazed at how tiny the ants were compared to me, who was also small compared to adults. It felt very simple and sweet. As a result, I thought my sister was the most monstrous being in the world when she killed an ant on purpose to provoke me. I prepared a burial with pebbles and leaves around the smashed little body. I was in tears, my sister was giggling. It was all very dramatic and sentimental.
I can say that that was the closest I got to a funeral until I was 18, because for a long time I was afraid of cemeteries, and even at wakes I didn't like seeing the dead person in the coffin, so I never walked up to them. Besides, I was lucky enough not to lose people close to me during those years, only much later. That fear haunted me. I began to realize what death was around the same time we would go to eat German pie in Penedo. I remember spending a month praying, asking for all the people I loved to die at the same time, because I didn't want to deal with the pain of absence like that old man. But if things worked like that with everyone, I would never have developed my compassion for ants and small beings.
Honestly, I don't know how a text about cream pies suddenly became so funereal, or what ants have to do with it. Although ants do like sweets and digging in the dirt... Actually, it all started because the other day I remembered how much I loved Débora's German pie, and then I remembered that man and how much he loved his wife, and I thought about the moment when these two loves met at the same time and place, a coincidence that made me make a very important decision about human character. Things are just what they are, and yet they are so many other things.
Happy 2025!
Comments